Today was one of those days. I left the project I joined last autumn among plentiful gasps from colleagues that just did not expect me to move on at this point, when there is still a lot of work to do. I have yet to speak to the project manager to see whether he has anything in mind, but for the moment, I went quietly, gathering my teaPigs, the Starbee travel mug (which I never used) and the sack of computer cables that follow me everywhere. It was very sour. I don't know why it feels this way. It didn't use to be like this before my sick leave. Now that I cannot take roles away from home, I feel like I am offloaded from project to project, which is very different from moving from project to project. Dean accompanied me to the carpark and once again I had proof that you do not go and seek friendship, you do not look for it, you do not scour places in its search, you don't find it; it finds you. It finds you in the most unexpected and hostile of environments, when you close your eyes in the morning and brainwash yourself into believing that you'll soon hit evening and you will hardly have noticed. It finds you when you flap like a fish out of water until an unknown hand puts you back where you belong and so you can swim again. I had to fight as we talked. I fought hard. I could feel that hateful tremor that only ever erupts inside of me when I am in the presence of those that allow me to drop the mask and be the real me. It's a miracle I didn't burst into tears to a symphony of it's not fair.
I arrived home to the one thing on earth that without fail manages to cheer me up every time. The latest VOGUE. I had my first flick and my heart fluttered in excitement at two little words: pre Fall. How fabulous. Pre-Fall. Pre-Autumn. Autumn. Then I bulked at the very narrow silhouettes; fantastic tweed pencil skirts that will hardly fit a real pencil, let alone my enormous bottom. And so I cooked on the lean side for dinner (all boiled), as I have done for the past three days, not that I can detect a change, other than greater hunger. But it's Saturday tomorrow, and seeing that Merv is lame, I will hit the bike in the morning instead. But for now, it's bed and VOGUE.