June has finally elapsed as I have crash-landed into July full of narkiness. Yes, narkiness, nark, nark, nark. Only in the very early days of this diary, did I write as little as I did in the past month and I know why that is. I took a bit of a hiatus from everything. Having finished the writing of the PhD, I took mental time off and let the hours turn into days without much thought. What did I do in those days when I did not feel like writing anything? Nothing, I can only presume, and I presume because I can’t remember.
Then this heat wave started and I swear to God heat must be responsible for destroying brain cells because that is how I’ve felt over the past ten days or so, getting up because I couldn’t help it, being unable to sleep because of the deadly combo of heat and light, feeling at odds with the world and myself, shifting from one emotional surge to the next.
Luckily for those really close to me, I have figured out that I am best left to my own devices when the biorhythms plummet underneath the floorboards and so I have pretty much kept myself to myself. This is particularly necessary with Rich, for I think that, deep down, he suffers slightly from a condition that can perhaps be defined as marital inferiority complex blended with a dash of paranoia.
So, say that I explode over something as mundane as a non-working printer like so: ‘It’s broken, this piece of crap is broken! Of course it breaks down when I most need it, *insert earth-shattering expletive here*’. Rich hears: ‘You moron, why did you buy this piece of crap ten years ago? Why not one of those £ 600, library printers?! I bet it wouldn't be broken right now, would it!’.
Or I may say: ‘I don’t know, I have been shouting down the can for months and all I get in return is not even NO, just damn silence *insert discomfited tears here*’. Rich hears: ‘I don’t care what you think about me, you don’t matter’. I could go on and give you another twenty examples off the top of my head. Therefore, as Rich is a bit this way and I do not want to give him reasons to worry about anything, I don’t talk about anything that really matters to me, until I cannot keep the lid on any longer and then God help everyone and his uncle.
June has been a bit like this and so I am really glad that it’s gone. I am two months short of my birthday and I cannot wait for it already. Rich has started his new job and is very happy in it and if he is, then I am and all is well with the world again.